|
[30 Sep 2006|01:31pm] |
perfect.
this is perfect.
I was given really great advice last night from someone and it was incredibly shocking.
We have passed the stage where it's all "<3's" and have moved onto a more real stage and I guess I just have to be patient and see where it goes.
But its perfect.
|
|
| asdf. |
[25 Sep 2006|02:56pm] |
I am getting a lot better at forcing happiness.
I'm happy.
I'm happy.
Believe me? Because you should.
I want to curl up in a bed and snuggle all day long. Snuggle in a cold room with Jed and Patrick Starfish.
Oh, P.S. I'm happy.
|
|
| Not this again, please. |
[15 Sep 2006|09:32pm] |
An inanimate object, or the lack of inanimate objects, is going to lead to the biggest loss I have ever had. I can feel it.
Stop being so perfectly distant, please. I miss you.
I have no idea where this is going to end. I have my hopes, but it seems like everything in the world that can possibly come between the desired is planting itself in the my path. I keep trying to dig them up but it seems I don't have enough strength to lift them out of the way.
I feel like my rock has turned into quicksand and nobody is standing with a lifesaver.
I am scared to death that I am not strong enough.
Help?
I can repay you in hugs. I dont give those enough.
|
|
|
[09 Aug 2006|10:56am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drained |
] |
up and down
up and down
up and down.
I really don't know how many different ways I can word how much this is bothering me.
Tears did not help, asking did not help, keeping quiet and hoping it just stopped on its own did not help.
Do you not realize that using words is just as harmful as acting upon something? Or that putting up with certain words, even if you dont speak them, and just playing along hurts too? Or even hearing about words spoken to others and not making a change is as well?
Please stop getting irritated when I bring it up, please stop thinking I am just being a stupid girl. I'm really not.
I'm never like this. Nobody has ever made me like this. I can't seem to figure out if that is good or bad, but right now it mostly feels bad.
I know you offered to fix it but it seemed obligatory. I'm not going to make you do something when I know you would be doing it just to make me feel better and you don't really want to. A conversation today made that quite apparent.
I don't know what to do, but I don't know how much more I can take.
|
|
|
[23 Jul 2006|10:05am] |
Peace out Arizona.
:)
|
|
| Perfect Solution |
[20 Jul 2006|10:36am] |
Problems:
-I drive an hour to and from work everyday. It uses a lot of gas and I don't make enough to make that drive worthwhile. BUT. I won't be able to get another decently paying job because of the piercings.
-I have shitty cars...that break, all the time.
-I live way too far from Jed and my best friend.
-I basically stay at my parents all week long and only go to my apartment on the weekends. Paying over two hundred dollars for rent a month isn't worth a weekend getaway.
Fix:
-My dad kicks my aunt out of the guest house. She has been living there for about two years and I think that maybe its time for her to go get her own place.
-I move into that guest house after talking to my roomates and explaining the situation. Then I will only live about ten minutes from work.
-I won't spend 48482348 dollars on gas so I can actually make car payments.
:)
P.S. My car overheated on the freeway and now I am without one. Again.
|
|
| Hm. |
[19 Jul 2006|12:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
Have you ever been so totally consumed by one person that everyone else seems to just blur into the background?
On one hand I love having one person there all the time, no matter what.
On the other hand I know I am neglecting people that I shouldn't be and if I continue to do so I won't have anyone left.
Then what happens if that one person who is consuming me vanishes? Then I'm left alone.
But the thing is, I know that the fact that I am neglecting people isn't entirely my fault. I literally feel like I can't trust most of the people in my life.
I mean, in light of recent events, I have found out that a lot of things I talk about are twisted and revealed to people who I hardly know but find comfort
in hearing about me. It doesn't make sense.
I don't understand why people can't just keep secrets anymore.
I need to stop being such a pisces.
I need to surround myself with the people who I used to spend my time with. People who aren't fake party friends and who
have always had my complete trust and never violated it.
Sure, I spend my time with a lot of people who are fun and know how to go out and drink and socialize. With these people there is
never a dull moment and always something to talk about. But I need to realize that when I am not there, I am the one being talked about.
I had a conversation the other day that basically made me realize something. He told me that they didnt care about having others
like him and that he didn't care if somebody was upset with him for just saying what he wants to say, because he has me. Isnt that all you really need, is one person?
Then why do I care so much about being liked by everyone?
I have that one person. I should be content. But for some reason I am constantly worried about everyone else.
|
|
| =] |
[18 Jul 2006|11:55am] |
I love him.
(Even though he sucks at playing Mario.)
(And even though he tries to be metal.)
|
|
|
[07 Jun 2006|09:24pm] |
Uh. I have decided that I am going to sleep all weekend. The entire thing. I want to sleep until things get back.
I miss my best friend. I miss my car. I miss not having to pay for everything and I miss somebody I see and talk to constantly. I am going to miss my kitty and I miss my past.
I am a mess lately, I'm just good at hiding it.
alskdfjasldfkjasdlfj.
|
|
|
[29 Apr 2006|10:26pm] |
Hi.
I smell like dough and pizza sauce and when I got home from work tonight I had some flour on the tip of my nose. It made me laugh a little bit.
I suck at journals. My attemts at filling one out on actual paper have always failed, so I figured maybe this one would work. It kind of feels like a chore still, though. I wish I could doodle on here, I am so much better at doodling than writing. blah blah blah, I need to focus. Let me restart.
Hi.
I went shopping for my apartment today with Ashley, we only bought three lamps. Ikea is the largest store I have ever been in, ever, and we only bought three lamps...OH AND BY THE WAY THERE IS A DUCK PARK NEXT TO MY NEW APARTMENT. WHICH MEANS I CAN FEED MY OLD BREAD TO THEM.
There are a lot of junkies and homeless guys around my apartment as well, I am sure the would appreciate the bread as well. Too bad ducks are cuter and don't suck up my tax dollars.
Speaking of, I love the way that Ashley and I think about certain political issues. For example, some mexicans are doing some protest to be treated/get paid more money. What the hell? I'm sorry but if you're going to come into our country illegally, you don't get to protest about not being treated fairly. It is unfortunate if you came to America expecting roads paved in gold and cushy desk jobs, but if you're going to complain about the jobs you get, which I am sure are much better than the oppurtunties in Mexico, then go back to your country and protest. Now I know that they came here for a better life and all that business...so save it. I am just highly annoyed. Them protesting is like somebody sneaking into a Christmas party they weren't invited to and then complaining that the cream puffs are not fluffy enough.
ehem.
I should probably end this here.
|
|
| Hm. |
[23 Apr 2006|02:45am] |
I like things plain, so I am keeping this livejournal plain. Or maybe I can't figure out how to make it all fancy, oh well.
In the morning, I will probably regret making this my very first livejournal entry because it is going to be so stereotypical to an online blog, whiney.
Just a word of advice, stop being inconsiderate to your friends. I am so sick of giving my everything to people in my life and constantly being let down. I hate being let down. I hate it so much. I hate liars and being used and the fact that my friend uses me for convenience.
I am no longer your late night call.
Or your boredom alleviating hangout.
I won't accept your lies anymore and I know that when I start pointing them out, rather than the normal brush off, that everything will be different. So different. But I am completely ready for that. But not necessarily desiring it.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
uhmannduh's journal